While bartending professionally for five years, I overheard some fantastically interesting (and stupid) conversations. I wrote down a few of these. I started collecting quotes during my Sophomore year at Earlham College, at the urging of Mary Lacey, my fine professor of Creative Writing.
Some of these are quite...colorful, shall we say. Consider yourself warned. If you're not offended, try somewhere else. You're resourceful, I'm sure.
I need to update with the piles that I have yet to include here. When that happens is anybody's guess, but it will definitely be before mehlsa updates www.mulletgear.com.
01/01/06: The only quote that's gotten me off my ass to update in two and a half years....yikes.
I think your ferrets are getting cold.
8/10/03:
For a moron, he gets a lot of play.
Do you think this pony-tail makes me look talkative?
Dumping him was clearly better than winning the Nobel Prize.
Can I polish your face?
It's part of the wasn't.
I'm allergic to being drunk.
Forget about the economy, that girl was hot.
Your boyfriend is drunk, unemployed, and has a mohawk.
-Do I smell like pee?
-No, beer.
Here's some Friskies -- toughen up, bitch.
I thought that was funny, and I don't even smoke pot anymore.
She thought that because I knew where the cheese was, I was God.
That chick doesn't have boyfriends -- she has cats.
-It's the other white meat.
-What, cock?
It sounds like the seventh level of hell...with hardwood floors.
7/19/03:
I wish I had, like, a genius brain.
Just because I have a PhD doesn't mean that I'm educated.
There weren't any normal people there, just a bunch of gay guys.
What the fuck is a newt?!
Upstate New York is just like the South...with snowmobiles.
Ithaca...I mean, like, have some cows and a college.
Two-thirds of America believes Bush is doing a good job. The other third can read. -- Baratunde Thurston
7/14/03:
They think they own the world with their Burberry bags.
People loved it -- they were wettin' themselves.
They're only four -- they don't have hatred yet.
So I hooked up with this sherpa the other night.
Believe me, I have the tolerance of a 17 year old girl.
Tits do not help.
She reeks of bitch-stench.
God takes care of drunks and morons.
I'm not going to bend over backwards and kiss anybody on the ass.
So I ran into Dennis Hopper on the elevator this morning.
Not much is more intriguing than a fire-crotch.
If I had a way to destroy his life, I would.
I called from the hot-tub and felt like Scarface.
People pay these days for things to look dinged-up and wrong.
We ate like Vikings.
Dude, we took the baby to Hooters!
Wasn't the Gazpacho the Nazi secret police?
She looks like a karaoke-dyke.
The origins of her ineptitude is disgraceful.
You can't have too many moist towlettes.
Rug-burn = bad.
But I got nice nipples!
What? You dated Minut Bol?
My whole life is a jet-lag.
You always see wierd shit on the ground.
What did you get? Sushi hold the fish?
Is "Maestro" really his first name?
My family is so white-trash they went to Dunkin' Donunts three times today.
What's up with rich people naming their kids after cheese?
--You're such a fucking misogynist!
--Yeah, I love massagin' people.
Why can't they all be gay?
We went to Chinatown last week and all the fish were dead in their tanks.
He'd be a good sexual predator.
If he were an ice-cream flavor, he'd be Pralines & Dick.
Aren't they supposed to keep defibrillators in public parks for this kind of shit?
Speaking of bigotry -- I went to Worcester last night.
I got sick yesterday from licking too many envelopes.
I can't believe the only black person brought watermelon.
I'll smoke rock all day, but I'll never eat poop.
There was a great deal of confusion in the alcoholic community.
--My mom's a Shamanist lesbian.
--That's fantastic. She must have a lot of cool hats.
If I do incest, it sure as shit isn't going to be my brother.
Dude, I put my weed through the washing machine.
We're talking about vibrators...could you come back in a minute?
So...speaking of sociopaths...
You know when you go to a wedding, you're usually worried about the food being bad? My friend is getting married in Beirut, and I'm worried about dying.
I guess it's better for a girl to be weird than wholesome or some shit.
Wow. She likes you even less than she likes me.
Why am I so easy to get over?
If you had no arms, I would beat you up every day.
I'll take a bong over a bomb any day.
I have a soft spot for porta-potties, you know.
Here's some extra cranberry for feelin' like you do.
I was a preposition.
We have a lot of dead shit around the house.
You know how some people have a midlife crisis and buy a corvette? Well, my mom got a wheelchair.
Joe tried to hitchhike away from recess.
Did you fart because you became excited?
You know girls need to get laid when they argue and stuff.
Me and him, it's a bad scene: we eat tons.
So why are all the really fun people from MIT?
Imagine this girl from Saugus comes into someone's life...
That's what happens when you do coke and a whole bunch of sit-ups.
He passed out while getting a blow job and the hooker stole his rent money.
Them Jews, they only finished half the bible.
You know, I can tell when someone's ovulating.
He's a specimen of my reality.
I have read extensively asparagus literature.
I'm pro-alot of things.
Well, that may be true, but I still don't really think that priests and little boys should be getting together.
I'll tell you one thing: I'm one feisty faggot.
I'm just sorry I didn't get myself a pair of padded silk pants.
My roommate made a sausage frappe the other morning.
I chewed off my arm just to get out of there.
I swear to god I wanted to grab the tire iron and beat one of those antique dealers to death.
Why are you trying to dry out my leg?
Filet mignon needs Baco-Bits.
I'm looking forward to getting married...you know, to any girl.
I try to teach my girlfriend common courtesy, but she doesn't get it.
--You guys like that slapstick shit, huh?
--We get too stoned to understand anything else.
The last time I fell down really a whole lot was a Southern Comfort night.
I feel like a priest that doesn't want to molest little boys.
One day we were lying in the street...
Just 'cause you're gay doesn't mean everything's cool.
I haven't licked an ass in over five months.
She kicked her legs out and got weird.
So your biography is going to be titled The Life and Times of Little Squirt?
--I used to be a raging alcoholic
--Those days are over?
--Naw, I want to try and get back into it.
Isn't it incredible how quickly they castrate you?
Revenge is never as good as growth.
God hates dough-girls.
If I lost my arm, would you take a bite?
It's my arm...I'll cook it and eat it if I want.
I consider sex an exercise.
I'll trade you my patch for one of your cigarettes.
My dad once had an allergic reaction to a leather couch.
They were such a bunch of fifi, Prada-wearin' motherfuckers.
No cat can resist Popeye! It's true.
You don't appreciate my girth, remember?
Even if I say "guinea- whop-cocksucker", I get a big punch in the temple. Every time since I was eleven.
I'm so happy to be drunk on a Tuesday!
Snoop-Dogg is playing a bizarre role in my life these days.
She really is awful...she's like a bad falafel sandwich.
That girls' bosoms make me want to smile.
It's been a Bob Marley kind of day.
It, like, saturates you with beer real quick.
Dude, professionals don't sniff, they huff.
When he reaches his climax, he gets sad.
Look, I got my first muscle.
The only way this could be better would be if there was some mayo drizzled in it.
How 'bout gettin' spanked with a piece of bacon?
Yeah, of course I'd blow my clone. As long as he reciprocated.
I would definitely put in two candles to see you prance.
I like anything that pretends to be meat.
Sensitive guys get punched in the head.
I'm the fucking poster boy for Trojans.
Any liquor that's cheaper than milk you gotta not have.
Maybe someday I'll be sober enough to understand women.
It's my new thing: I'm gonna listen to these retards and try and help 'em out.
It's so much fun beating up little kids, though.
I sued this guy for fucking my meatloaf.
I'm officially drinking out of a novelty mug.
They're a good match -- he's kinda gay, she's eccentric.
There's really nothing wrong with huge tits and syrup.
He's an educational rockstar.
I'm interested in the passing-down of wisdom through the knob.
I'm disappointed with the definition of beaver in this dictionary.
I guess you'd just be expected to rub her nubs.
Any major questions about marriage? I have ten minutes.
Just pretend you're sleeping -- do you ever smoke in your sleep?
Oh I'll be alive...I'll just be on an iron lung.
So now I can't play golf unless I have sex with her.
I'm not saying she was a lesbian, she just looked like she mows the lawn to me.
He's a great guy. He just can't drink, that's all.
I don't think I the cancer type, though.
Did ya get a peanut in the hole?
Next time I get mad at someone, I'll wear a shirt.
Drew, the last time I tried to drink with you, I ended up on my face.
I entitle myself to one moral change-of-heart a week.
Hope is an obligation.
She was my orgasm, man.
She's not 'in'...she sucked the President's dick.
You know when you're getting your kicks hooking people up with weed, you've got problems.
So you're in the woods with a prophylactic...I mean, a paraplegic.
He only got armpit 'cause ass and groin were already taken.
I always like to break shit.
Shit...you're smokin' dope, I'm shootin' guns. What's the difference?
If you had a dog, would it be common courtesy to jerk him off?
It's not like there's Stormtroopers walking around in my nuts!
You've never seen 'Barnyard Betty'? It's a fucking classic, man. It's the 'Gone With the Wind' of bestiality videos.
Basically, I just want to be the baddest motherfucker in the world.
Gin and my piss is the favorite drink of many people.
Ain't nothin' 'bout soberness here!
There is no West Virginia.
Right, and those were whittled by a Mexican beaver.
If we get desperate for alcohol, we can always re-hydrate and suck my pants.
I love it when girls try and do things.
Don't put wierd shit in my brain.
Penises here are energetic and ongoing.
Give up what you think you have to say, and you'll find something better.
Sometime a while back my mind met my mouth, and I like it.
I used to make my He-Man action figures break-dance.
Tequila: puts hair on your chest and weight in your nuts.
My life is a contraceptive.
Would you share your wenches and grapes?
That looks like a bong my grandmother would have.
My mouth tastes gross...that's why I'm going to smoke this cigarette.
Poop does not equal toy.
I am the fucking Lord of the Dance, and noone gives a shit!
If a girl isn't cool, she may as well be hot.
He's the Greekest homophobe ever.